In Quiet and Rest Is Our Strength
Giving shade to the nurse after a sponge bath. 08.28
It’s Tuesday again, marking Cyrus’ 12th week since birth. Thank you for all your prayers over the last couple of weeks. God decided to answer with a “yes” this time, and we’ve had some significant changes for the better. Cyrus is still on antibiotics and will need to stay in the hospital for a few extra weeks because of the infection (if all goes well - he may be home in a month), but he appears to be symptom-free now. This means the antibiotics are working, which was not guaranteed. We’ve breathed a huge sigh of relief and are once again allowed to give kangaroo care.
Cyrus has been breathing sighs of relief himself, back on the CPAP machine and doing really well. He will hopefully have the air pressure turned down to the lowest setting tomorrow, which may allow him to be off the CPAP entirely and on a cannula by next week.
Emotionally and spiritually, this physical improvement in Cyrus has been a massive help for Laura and me. Still, even before things started improving, we had some changes in our perspective that helped us keep moving forward.
First, we don’t need a plan for everything in our lives. The sooner we accept what we can’t control, the sooner we can get back to experiencing joy, regardless of external circumstances.
The second helpful perspective has to do with things within our control. Instead of despairing over what we can’t do, we’re better off focusing on what we can do, even if it’s relatively insignificant. Clearing a bunch of little things off our plates has been helping us have the brain space to grieve and process everything we’re going through.
The final perspective I’ll share comes from Scripture. Isaiah 30:15 says,
Morning snuggles 08.28
“This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: ‘In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.’”
God wants us to turn away from behaviors that harm us and the people around us. He wants us to trust Him and gain strength by accepting that we aren’t in control of everything, He is. God wants us to experience quietness and rest for our souls, but too often we push all this away to try and handle everything ourselves, just like the ancient people of Israel to whom this verse was written. God hasn’t promised to make our lives easy, but He offers us peace in the chaos of life if we choose to accept it.
Last week, I was unable to accept it, but thanks to God’s mercy and the prayers and encouragement of our support network, we began to accept this even before Cyrus’ condition improved. I think accepting God’s help means that we look for the good even in dire circumstances, trusting that since good came out of bad times in the past, it will happen again now. I also think it means accepting that no matter how hard we try in life, eventually, we will all die, and there’s no changing that.
While I can’t prove that heaven is real, I have faith that it is. I have many reasons for this faith, but one of them that I’ll share here is that, in my opinion, it isn’t likely that our lives and experiences have no purpose. Everything I can observe in this world has a purpose, so why would I assume that existence itself has none? To me, faith is the belief that the observable patterns continue even when we can’t see them anymore. The Bible offers me a narrative that explains what’s really going on behind the scenes and what will happen when my part of the story is over.
Using the same thought process as I just explained, I believe it’s more likely than not that the Bible is true, Jesus is alive, and therefore heaven is real and Arthur is alive there. Again, I can’t prove it, but we don’t get to have 100% certainty about anything in life, so I’m content accepting the most likely outcome on faith.
This is what I mean when I talk about trusting in God and needing prayer. I try to explain everything in my own words without using metaphors, but I believe all this is real, that prayer works, that God loves us, and therefore, even if Cyrus doesn’t make it, we’ll see him alive one day too. This thinking has allowed Laura and me to survive the last six months, but it doesn’t make it easy. I really want to hold Arthur now, and my soul aches to think I can’t see him for the rest of my life. I’m deeply thankful that Cyrus is still with us and seems to be getting better!
Deeper thinking aside, tomorrow will be 38 gestational weeks for Cyrus, who will be nearly 6.5lb. For reference, Edee was delivered at 38 weeks too at just over 6lb, actually smaller than Cyrus. Oakley was also delivered at 38 weeks at just over 7lb, putting Cyrus right in the average for our kids at birth - an encouraging thought given what he’s been through! We’ll continue to keep you posted on his and our progress. Thank you for your continued prayers. I hope I’ve now communicated how important those are to us!
Oakley
Edith
Cyrus
