Faith Under Fire

In spite of my comments before, I’m feeling very “worried about tomorrow”. Specifically I’m paranoid about losing Cyrus too. I’m trying not to be but it keeps coming back. However, Cyrus is actually doing really well. He got switched to a regular (but tiny) CPAP machine and seems much more relaxed now. He got a lot of snuggles with Laura and I over the last two days - kangaroo care is now his favorite place to be! His oxygen and heart rate are generally doing fantastic, and there’s really nothing of great concern to the medical staff right now.

Laura and I are absolutely exhausted, both physically and emotionally. It’s hard to accept that God could have saved Arthur but didn’t. I believe deep down that God’s ways are always best, but everything else deep down inside me is screaming that it would be best if Arthur was still alive. It hurts and kind of pulls me apart inside, but I’m never letting go of my faith. In retrospect I can acknowledge that God has always been good to me in the past, even when it didn’t seem that way. And my faith is my only hope for getting to see Arthur again.

Please pray that Laura and I can find the balance of letting ourselves feel the despair and sadness and anger and grief, while holding onto the belief that these emotions aren’t the whole picture or the end of the story.