The Slog
Oakley holding Cyrus for the first time. 8.6.23
Cyrus is now over two months old and weighs in at 4.5 pounds and counting! He’s in pretty good health overall. Lungs are coming along slowly, but no cause for concern. The rest of us (and probably Cyrus too) are enjoying Cyrus’ progress while still struggling with the loss of Arthur.
Edee seems confused about what exactly is going on and where Arthur is now. Oakley’s struggling with worry about why God let Arthur die, and whether or not other loved ones will die too. Laura and I have been struggling more in the last couple of weeks than we were previously, even right after Arthur died. We both feel like we ran out of willpower to keep trying to have a good response.
It takes a lot of energy to maintain a positive perspective and choose to live purposefully instead of checking out and going on autopilot. I think maybe the grind of all this has finally worn us out.
Another reason we aren’t doing as well may be due to an odd emotional response I’ve experienced before and am definitely feeling again. When I experience deeply painful events, I find myself wanting to keep the pain going. When Arthur died, I immediately did all the grief things I’ve been taught in the past, and they worked really well, but maybe too well.
Cyrus switching CPAP masks. 8.8.23
My rational thinking was that we were going to be ok. Arthur was in heaven and we’d see him again someday. Our task was to let ourselves grieve while doing our best to love each other, our kids, and the people around us. However, even though I was feeling a lot better and making quick sense of things, a big part of me wasn’t ready to feel better and still isn’t. I think I subconsciously want to wallow in pain because moving on feels too final. It’s weird and unproductive to do this, but I keep finding myself here anyway. I’ve never heard anyone describe this before, but I’m assuming it’s a normal human response that many other people can relate to.
I hope it’s encouraging to someone out there reading this that you’re not alone. I’m not quite sure what to do about it though. It may be natural, but letting myself spiral downward into depression doesn’t really seem like a good outcome. On the other hand, allowing myself to get better feels dishonest, and it tears me apart inside. It’s a lot easier to give up and let myself feel consistently bad than fight to see how good might come out of all this. In our discussions over the last couple of days, Laura admitted to similar feelings. We could definitely use prayer for this. Whatever the cause, we’ve been feeling pretty low for most of the last two weeks.
